14 Lessons For Men Growing Up Without A Father
14 Lessons For Men Growing Up Without A Father
Mastery Letter #13
My dad died when I was 5 to a rare cancer.
I am 32 now.
Fatherless children represent:
63% of teen suicides
70% of juveniles in state institutions
71% high school dropouts
75% of children in drug abuse centers
80% of rapists
85% of youths in prison
90% of homeless and runaway children
I was able to avoid becoming any of these statistics.
I attribute that to failing hundreds of times and having a loving mom who is strong as steel.
Here are 14 lessons I learned along my journey so you can avoid being a statistic too.
Find dozens of mentors/role models
This is critical. Find great men to look up to and mimic them.
By 30, you should have gone through dozens of role models, that you have taken lessons from.
Remember, all people are flawed, so only take on the good qualities of people.
I went through gamers, skateboarders, politicians, astrophysicists, entrepreneurs.
Now I can pick and choose values and ideas from various philosophers, writers, etc. without taking too much or throwing out the baby with the bath water.
It’s all about balance.
Find someone who has your dream life, and mimic them, whoever that is.
Life never gets tired
Life will kick you in the teeth and do it again while you are down. Fairness does not exist.
You will have responsibilities that you do not want to do.
You will be tired, and life will strike at that exact moment with tragedy.
You must train for these moments.
You must always be ready.
Not for some arbitrary race coming up, but for life.
Train every day
Chase mastery
Have a daily routine
Keep your room clean
You must continue combatting chaos with order, all of the time.
It will always be a battle with yourself, you must always win.
Wade yourself through the chaos and create purpose, or life will create one for you.
I promise, when you let life choose for you, it isn’t pretty.
Never be a victim
Everyone is born with different "privileges” and some will start ahead of others.
Others will obsess over externals and the privileges of others. Some are born with trust funds, others poor, some without fathers.
I grew up without a father, but I never let it hold me back. It could always be much worse. I could have had both parents throw me out into an orphanage, or I could be paralyzed.
I could have been born in Syria waking up hoping I survive another day from being bombed or finding food.
Never focus on this, focus on what you can control.
Take extreme ownership of your circumstances and life.
It feels very unnatural to take blame for things that are seemingly not your fault, but it is the only way to be a respected leader.
When you own up, others will apologize and also do the same.
When you finally let all the victimhood behaviors of your past and circumstances, it is liberating. You are finally free to not make any excuses and start playing the game from level 1.
It is all on you.
You must embrace discomfort
Men must forge themselves in the crucibles of battle, whether it be in war, or elsewhere.
The harder shit you do, the faster you grow.
Experiences = Competence
Competence = Accomplishments
Accomplishments = Confidence
Confidence = Respect
Men will always be desperate to simulate war. Grouping together with comrades, overcoming large challenges with a common purpose, freedom.
Because we don’t have war, we will seek this in sports, fighting, etc.
You must proactively seek difficult challenges to unlock your epigenetic potential and grow into a stronger, well-rounded individual.
Build a tribe
Men have had tribes for millions of years.
They hunted together, fought together, and died together.
There is a primal need to have comrades by your side to grow with, hold you accountable and trust.
I was lucky enough to have a few from childhood that are on the same path.
If you don’t not have this luxury, join a community that practices a hobby.
Join a rock climbing gym
Join a martial art gym
cycling meeting ups
running meet ups
Embrace your masculinity
It is your job to use your masculine gift to protect, provide and give love to your family, despite modern narratives.
You must practice being a leader. That means being a great listener, being assertive, knowing when to delegate, and leverages the strengths of those on your team. It means taking ownership when someone on your team fucks up, because you didn’t train them right.
The leader is always responsible.
If your family is failing, figure out what you can do to improve it, you are the leader and it’s your responsibility to keep it together.
You girlfriend/wife will likely have things she is better at leading, and you will have your strengths. Lose your ego and work together.
Forget the alpha shit you read online.
Lift weights
Do the dirty work
Treat women with love and respect
Chase mastery in your craft every day
Take wrestling, boxing, BJJ, or muay thai classes
Chase your mission and purpose to build wealth
Avoid porn at all costs
This will destroy your relationship with the feminine. Period.
It will create a false representation of what sexual encounters and women are like.
1000 years ago, most men only saw 1-2 women naked their entire lives, so it was cherished.
Use this time to channel your lust into building a business, learning a skill, or lifting weights.
If you are a man doing all the right things, your testosterone will constantly be queueing you to spread the seed.
It will distract you.
This is normal.
The more ambitious you are, and the higher your dopamine levels, the higher your testosterone will be.
This is a good thing.
The same energy that helps you conquer and achieve success, is the same energy that is going to make you lust over attractive women.
You cannot have one without the other.
Men will always have lust for attractive women. Men will always want variety.
If you have this urge and are single, use this energy to go find a woman.
If you are committed to another, you must have discipline and learn to channel this towards your partner, or into other domains of life.
A large component of masculinity is this exactly, choosing to stay committed to someone, build the relationship, value honesty, and hold yourself accountable to that.
Respect others
You will want to rebel against authority when you’re young.
I sure as hell did.
I was angry and blamed the world for my dad dying.
They were only trying to help me.
Man up and respect others.
Take help when it's offered, you can't do it alone.
Practice stoicism
Learn to control your emotions.
Feeling emotions is normal and healthy. Avoid lashing out in anger or panicking at times when you need to perform and act rationally.
Remain calm and collected.
If you are truly on your life’s mission, and pushing yourself past your limits regularly, you will 100% be forced to manage both panic and anger.
Your ability to control both of these emotions will be proportional to your success in life.
An emotional leader is not a bad leader. A leader that cannot manage his emotions is a bad leader.
Everyone is emotional. Emotion drives every sale and ever decision in life.
You must train to acknowledge the emotion, not identify with it, and move forward with a rational thought, while ignoring all the biological symptoms that occur during panic and anger.
Whether that be through a huge presentation, speech, argument with your spouse, a fight with another driver, rock climbing, etc.
Drop your ego
Don't argue emotionally with others to prove them wrong.
You don't need the last word. Open dialogue is healthy, but you must pick your battles carefully.
Be the bigger man and stand down when unhappy people try to bring you down into the void with them.
Learn to leverage people’s behaviors instead of changing them.
If you have a narcissistic boss, play to their ego to get what you want.
Give them credit constantly. Validate them.
Use the 48 laws of power.
Growth mindset
Be open-minded and travel the world to learn about cultures, languages, arts & philosophies.
You must read and learn every day.
Be able to adapt quickly to new situations and environments.
A stagnant life is one that decays. Avoid complacency at all costs.
If your core friend group of 5 are lazy pot smokers, you will be the 6th.
Get new friends that chase growth.
Find a loyal woman
Avoid hook-up culture and the hedonistic pleasures of juggling multiple women as a long-term strategy.
In order to get the woman you want, you likely will have to do some of the above in order to level up and get experience.
Do the bare minimum fuckery to gain that experience.
If you do not grow out of this in your 20s, you will likely find despair.
This is a lonely path.
Have your fun to figure out what you want and don’t want, but date with intention as early as you can.
All men have weaknesses. Women on average have superior emotional, spatial and social intelligence.
Men on average are physically and logically superior.
It’s how we were evolutionarily wired.
Men had to problem solve, women had to be keen for threats to avoid harm from themselves and their baby.
This is why women are a bit higher in neuroticism, and men are lower in agreeableness.
They had to be to stay alive.
Point is,
Men and woman are meant to cover each other’s weaknesses. If you can’t acknowledge that, you will fail and there will be contempt in your relationship.
Find a woman you trust that you can combine forces with, unify, build a life and a family with.
You can attack your life’s missions together, and she can grow alongside you.
On your deathbed at 90, you will want her and your children by your side.
Give to others
As a man, build enough wealth to:
Provide for your family
Help your friends
Help your local community
Continue expanding philanthropy efforts
Giving is the greatest fulfillment and happiness, not materials.
Some get to #2.
<1% get to #3
Build things for decades
The most fulfilling things to build for decades are:
Long-lasting relationships
Your body by lifting weights
Your mind by meditating
Wealth by chasing mastery
Do these 4 and you will die happy.
I could honestly do 100 lessons, but this is good for now.
Thanks for reading.
-Brandon
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