How to raise your anxiety 324% and gain 20lbs of pure fat in 30 days:

Jun 10, 2023

This will ensure we maximize your:

Bonus points if you chug one after 3pm.

This is an easy one.

Buddy calls you up on a Tuesday for margaritas, say YES.

Alcohol will raise your baseline cortisol levels along with anxiety.

It will also stimulate the hypothalamus which makes you hungry for NO reason. Win-win.

We want to avoid healthy relationships with people we connect with.

Physical hobbies with people we like?

AVOID.

Instead, let's find boring losers and numb ourselves until they are bearable while destroying our health.

Sleep reduces anxiety and aids weight loss.

We want to avoid 8 hours and high-quality sleep at all costs.

Drink alcohol and eat In-n-out at 2am so you get zero REM/Deep sleep.

This will ensure that you have the recovery of a stage 3 chemo patient.

We are almost there, folks.

Now that we are as hungover as possible, let's start scrolling social media and comparing ourselves to everyone else.

We want to feel as bad as possible about ourselves, to max out our guilt and anxiety.

Bonus: Think about the stupidest shit you said last night while drinking and dwell on it, we want to be as humiliated and anxious as possible.

Alright, your hungover and just scrolled for 3 hours, good job.

You have zero dopamine, so let's fix that and order some high-calorie, ultra-palpable fast food to put yourself even more in the hole.

The data shows that you cannot recover lost sleep by taking naps or sleeping in days later.

We want to do this anyways, justifying our self-destructive behavior.

You got this man…

Brandon

P.S. Right now, I'm looking for 5 men with 9-5s who want to lose 20lbs in 90 days.

All without:

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