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How to raise your anxiety 324% and gain 20lbs of pure fat in 30 days:
1) Drink 3 energy drinks per day
This will ensure we maximize your:
Fast heart rate
Bonus points if you chug one after 3pm.
2) Binge drink 3-4x per week
This is an easy one.
Buddy calls you up on a Tuesday for margaritas, say YES.
Alcohol will raise your baseline cortisol levels along with anxiety.
It will also stimulate the hypothalamus which makes you hungry for NO reason. Win-win.
3) Do this with people you hate sober
We want to avoid healthy relationships with people we connect with.
Physical hobbies with people we like?
Instead, let's find boring losers and numb ourselves until they are bearable while destroying our health.
4) Get 5 hours of sleep
Sleep reduces anxiety and aids weight loss.
We want to avoid 8 hours and high-quality sleep at all costs.
Drink alcohol and eat In-n-out at 2am so you get zero REM/Deep sleep.
This will ensure that you have the recovery of a stage 3 chemo patient.
5) Doomscroll for hours
We are almost there, folks.
Now that we are as hungover as possible, let's start scrolling social media and comparing ourselves to everyone else.
We want to feel as bad as possible about ourselves, to max out our guilt and anxiety.
Bonus: Think about the stupidest shit you said last night while drinking and dwell on it, we want to be as humiliated and anxious as possible.
6) Order uber eats 4x a week while hungover
Alright, your hungover and just scrolled for 3 hours, good job.
You have zero dopamine, so let's fix that and order some high-calorie, ultra-palpable fast food to put yourself even more in the hole.
7) Sleep in on the weekends to make up for it
The data shows that you cannot recover lost sleep by taking naps or sleeping in days later.
We want to do this anyways, justifying our self-destructive behavior.
Nap 2 hours/day
Sleep until 1pm on the weekends
You got this man…
P.S. Right now, I'm looking for 5 men with 9-5s who want to lose 20lbs in 90 days.
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